Childhood sweethearts have married in a real-life version of The Notebook after 22 years apart—he even proposed with the engagement ring he gave her when they were 15. Helen Marshall and Graeme Richardson are both in their early forties. They met in school and admired each other from across the hallways before they fell head […]
Just because you’ve got “higher math” in your name, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have an aptitude for arithmetic, but for 11-year-old Sanaa Hiremath, numbers are her special gift. Sanaa, who was diagnosed with autism at age 2, is so proficient at multiplication she recently took home an award from Guinness World Records (GWR) for ‘largest […]
His wife of 57 years had just been moved into a care home last summer due to Alzheimer’s disease, and sadness was his only companion—until his grandson surprised him by fulfilling a lifelong dream. 12-year-old Harrison Gurney wanted desperately to cheer up his grandad and came up with a plan to give him the surprise […]
Our partner Rob Brezsny provides his weekly wisdom to enlighten our thinking and motivate our mood. Rob’s Free Will Astrology, is a syndicated weekly column appearing in over a hundred publications. He is also the author of Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How All of Creation Is Conspiring To Shower You with Blessings. (A free […]
This blog was submitted to GNN by one of our readers for publishing. If you have an interesting story of kindness or positivity, be sure and send it to us for review. My wife came home from work yesterday and shared a very heartwarming story that one of her office colleagues told her about a […]
A high school graduate is serving up huge smiles with his unique brand of customer service, which includes a musical ditty with every order. Daniel Marshall’s cheerful singing and joking with customers at the Arden Hills McDonald’s near Minneapolis, Minnesota has earned him five star reviews like, “Best Drive Thru Ever!” He has been taking […]
The difference between finding justice and following the letter of the law sometimes takes a simple act of compassion. Where others might have seen an incorrigible offender, one judge saw promise—and following a hunch, he acted on his intuition. At first glance, Edward Martell, a 27-year-old high school dropout with an extensive arrest record might […]
A team of researchers has shown that physical intervention plans that included exoskeleton-assisted walking helped people with spinal cord injury evacuate more efficiently and improved the consistency of their stool.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/2RKSwWL
Scientists have recorded blood oxygen levels in the hippocampus and provided experimental proof for why the area, commonly referred to as 'the brain's memory center', is vulnerable to damage and degeneration, a precursor to Alzheimer's disease.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/34oJTni
Music can be made with all sorts of things—including, it would seem, rain drops. For today’s moment of Zen, listen to this video. Made in Japan and titled Amaoto No Yurai, it’s beautiful. After listening, do you find you’re perceiving the world about you differently? MORE: MIT Scientists Spin Some Music Out of Spider Webs […]
The blood-brain barrier is impermeable to cholesterol, yet high blood cholesterol is associated with increased risk of Alzheimer's disease and vascular dementia. However, the underlying mechanisms mediating this relationship are poorly understood. A new study suggests that disturbances in the conversion of cholesterol to bile acids may play a role in the development of dementia.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3yK0JuR
According to the results of a multi-year scientific study, ants of the species Temnothorax nylanderi show exceptionally high survival rates when infected with a tapeworm.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3fQJejR
A groundbreaking clinical trial shows we can reduce biological age (as measured by the Horvath 2013 DNAmAge clock) by more than three years in only eight weeks with diet and lifestyle through balancing DNA methylation.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/2RQA4fd
A randomized controlled clinical trial was conducted among 43 healthy adult males between the ages of 50-72. The 8-week treatment program included diet, sleep, exercise and relaxation guidance, and supplemental probiotics and phytonutrients.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3yLDPTE
Being in the right place at the right time can mean the difference between life and death. When a freak ice storm felled runners in a 100-kilometer cross-country race in China’s north-western Gansu province, a shepherd named Zhu Keming braved the elements to pull three men and three women to safety. The day of the […]
Paying it forward is something that’s in Jaden Smith’s genes. As GNN reported earlier, to commemorate his 21st birthday two years ago, the rapper/actor launched the I Love You Restaurant, a vegan food truck initiative to combat food insecurity for Los Angeles’ homeless. Smith also played an instrumental role in the JUSTwater campaign, helping provide […]
In the last several decades, many couples have wondered about whether or not living together before marriage is a wise thing to do. This isn’t something that people had to think about generations ago because it was very uncommon. However, today, it is becoming more and more common and accepted. But there are a lot of things to consider before you move in together.
First, you both have to examine your intentions and be on the same page about it. In other words, are you living together to see if you are compatible in the same house? Are you living together because one or both of you are avoiding (or putting off) marriage? If so, why are you doing this?
Ideally, you have to have a long and honest conversation about why one or both of you want to live together without being married. Perhaps, one of you assumes that the other wants to get married, and they don’t. Or one has a certain timeline in order to get married, and the other doesn’t. Or one thinks this is just a serious relationship and hasn’t really thought about marriage.
Having this conversation is crucial because if you are not in sync with your intentions, this will cause problems down the road. However, for the purposes of this article, let’s assume that both of you know that the end goal is marriage—not just any kind of marriage but, hopefully, one that is full of love and is happy and healthy.
Is Living Together Before Marriage Good or Bad?
Let’s jump into the pros and cons of living together before marriage.
The Pros
1. Sharing Finances
This could be one of the most popular reasons for living together before marriage. Think about it, most serious couples are practically living together anyway. They keep clothes and other personal items at one person’s residence, and they might be there more than they are at their own home. So, in that case, it would make sense to stop paying two different rents or mortgages, two different utility and cable bills, and so much more.
While this is definitely a pro of living together, you have to make sure that you are wise with the money. It is very tempting to spend the extra money you save and not even know where you spent it. A better idea would be to save the money from the other household and invest it in your future together.
2. It’s Less Stressful When You Finally Get Married
Living with anyone can be stressful. It doesn’t matter if it’s your own parents, siblings, or children, everyone has the ability to get on your nerves when you live in the same space 24/7. It’s just a fact of life.
But when you are dating or in a serious romantic relationship, you have had a much shorter time to get to know someone’s habits. When you are first dating, you don’t see—or overlook—some of your partner’s annoying habits. You might even think it’s cute. But as time goes on, what you thought was alright just gets on your nerves sometimes.
So, imagine if you had never lived together before you get married, and then when you move in together, you had a crisis going on in your head. You might think, “this person drives me crazy because they never do the dishes!”
If you live together before marriage, you will go into it with your eyes wide open, and there will be a lot fewer surprises.
3. You Become Closer and Build a Stronger Bond
Intimacy is a very important thing in any relationship but more especially in marriages. But when I say “intimacy,” I don’t just mean physical/sexual or emotional intimacy. There are actually other different kinds of intimacy that are just as important, such as intellectual, spiritual, experiential, and volitional.
Let’s talk about volitional intimacy. This kind is about the commitments that two people make with each other. For example, if you decide to buy a house, a car, or a dog together, that means you are making a commitment to each other (regardless of whether you are married or not). And moving in together represents that kind of intimacy.
When a couple has all of these types of intimacy in sync, that is when the relationship is strong. So, living together will help you “test” and see whether or not you can create and sustain these intimacies before you get married. And if so, it will strengthen your bond and make you more confident in getting married.
The Cons
1. Other People May Not Approve
Everyone has an opinion about everything. And most people love to let you know what it is, whether you ask for it or not. With that said, it can be very difficult to do something without your family or friends’ approval. Many times, religion gets in the way of your loved ones. There are many that look down on people who live together before marriage.
For example, many Catholics don’t approve of it. So, perhaps one or both of you grew up in a family that went to church all the time and followed the teachings of the church very closely. If you decide to stray from the spiritual guidelines, then your family could get very angry.
If both people’s family and friends are against moving in, well, that’s bad. However, even if one of you has a family that is not approving but the other one is, that can still cause a problem. The partner whose family is fine with it may not understand why the other person’s family isn’t.
In extreme circumstances, this can cause people to lose relationships with their family and/or friends. So, it’s something to seriously consider before you decide to move in together.
2. Lack of Support Could Weaken Your Relationship
Living together with your partner is a big decision, whether you are getting married or not. Heck, living with anyone else other than yourself is not always easy. Sure, having a roommate can make you less lonely, but lots of challenges might come along with it too.
So, if you don’t have the support of your social system, it will probably impact your relationship—and not for the better. There may be stress and resentment that lurks in the air between the two of you. It may be spoken or unspoken, and it might not even have anything to do with the two of you specifically, but the outside forces can cause you to have conflict anyway.
Living with anyone can be a struggle sometimes in and of itself. If you’ve had roommates before, then you know what I’m talking about. So, without a good support system in place, you can put your relationship at risk because it could create new difficulties that you and your partner have not dealt with yet.
3. You Will Save Money, But It Could Weaken Your Bond
When you are single or simply live alone, you are in complete control of your finances. No one can tell you what you can or can’t spend your money on. But when you move in with your significant other, that can change.
Sure, you might still have separate bank accounts, but you will be sharing expenses. Decisions like how will the rent/mortgage be paid or who will pay for the groceries and utilities will need to be dealt with, and you may have very different opinions about how it should be done.
And then there’s the problem of outside and/or individual spending. Maybe one of you is a “spender” and one is a “saver.” The saver is going to be upset when the spender spends their money if they think it is irresponsible.
For example, maybe one of you thinks buying a $200 outfit for the fun of it is a good idea, and the other thinks it’s a stupid decision. Or maybe one wants to spend $300 to make a gourmet meal, and the other thinks it’s a waste of money. These kinds of differences in how you spend money can cause a lot of problems between couples.
Does Living Together Before Marriage Helps With the Marriage Later On?
While most people want a definitive answer to this question, believe it or not, there is mixed research on the topic. Older studies from the 1960s, 70s, and 80s found that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce.[1] However, living together wasn’t as socially acceptable as it is today. More recent studies don’t show quite the same statistics, although the differences aren’t overly startling.
Other studies suggest that the divorce rate of people who live together is not necessarily linked to the actual “living together” part of the equation. Findings show that there are many other contributing factors to divorce other than cohabitation.[2]
For example, the age of cohabitation matters. In general, the older you are, the more likely it is that your marriage will endure. Other factors include personality characteristics such as the ability to commit. In other words, perhaps the people who live together before marriage either do not value serious, legal, or religious commitment as much as those who don’t live together.
With all of this said, at the end of the day, there really isn’t a glaringly obvious answer to whether or not living together before marriage is beneficial or not. It really depends on the people as individuals and the unique couple as a whole.
The Bottom Line
At the end of the day, the choice of whether to move in together before marriage is ultimately between the two of you. As you can see, there is no clear right or wrong answer—it is just as unique of a decision as the couple itself.
So, whatever you decide, just make sure that you and your partner have important conversations about it, and you are both are very clear about the pros and the cons. Then, just do your best and trust that everything will work out how it’s supposed to.
The Tsimane indigenous people of the Bolivian Amazon experience less brain atrophy than their American and European peers. The decrease in their brain volumes with age is 70% slower than in Western populations.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/2SwOD7w
While many of the scientific studies to date have focused on repetitive head trauma leading to the development of abnormal tau, a new study provides insights into white matter changes that may offer new targets for therapies.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/2SutZVV
A young boy is the first in the world to have a rare form of cancer spreading through his body, but he has a fighting chance thanks to groundbreaking treatment. 12-year-old Reef Carneson has a life-threatening cancer that’s normally slow to progress, limited to the skin, and seen in adults who have spent years sunbathing without […]
Many have daydreamed of winning the lottery—but how about unwittingly having a $1 million win in your hands, then accidentally tossing it out? That waking nightmare happened to Massachusetts’ Lea Rose Fiega. Luckily, the kind store owners where she bought the ticket let her know her mistake. It was back in March that Fiega spent […]
Researchers reveal the structure of a hetero-oligomer nano-aggregate - a substance that causes Parkinson's and dementia - through quadruple force mapping.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/2SyEYh6
Everyone has a COVID story now, and for those aged 16-18, the story likely has something to do with school and extra-curricular disruptions during a critical period of their lives. We often like to say they were the best years of our lives, and noticing this—despite the fact that he didn’t even have a child […]
A gamer bullied as a youngster because they were born without a hand finally feels their disability isn’t a hindrance, now they’ve been fitted with a bionic arm inspired by a hugely popular video game. 21-year-old Laiken Olive, who identifies as nonbinary, was born with a congenital limb difference and said they used to hide […]
Manchester United striker Marcus Rashford has become the youngest person to top The Sunday Times Giving List, a metric of philanthropy among rich Brits. Possessing a personal net worth of £16 million ($23 million), the combination of his own donations and those inspired in response to several food assistance programs he helped create generated a […]
In work that could one day help athletes as well as aging adults regenerate tissue more effectively, scientists increased the regeneration of muscle cells in mice by activating the precursors of muscle cells.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3hSfJRb
Alzheimer's disease is the main cause of dementia and current therapeutic strategies cannot prevent, slow down or cure the pathology. The disease is characterized by memory loss, caused by the degeneration and death of neuronal cells in several regions of the brain, including the hippocampus. Researchers have identified a small molecule that can be used to rejuvenate the brain and counteract the memory loss.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/34hvEAA
New research indicates that certain anti-cancer therapies may hasten cellular aging, where changes in the DNA of patients may contribute to greater inflammation and fatigue.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3ud28qp
When a single gene in a cell is turned on or off, its resulting presence or absence can affect the function and survival of the cell. Researchers have now successfully catalogued this effect in the human neuron by separately toggling each of the 20,000 genes in the human genome.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3fFNKlf
Researchers at Lund University in Sweden have developed an algorithm that combines data from a simple blood test and brief memory tests, to predict with great accuracy who will develop Alzheimer's disease in the future. The findings are published in Nature Medicine.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3yxwF5w
Can you imagine as a kid tuning in to see your favorite TV show, never realizing that the actress playing one of the leading roles was your mother? It sounds like something from a sitcom script, but that’s what happened to Lisa Wright. The show Wright was watching? That’s My Mama. (We doubt even Hollywood […]
One of the first studies to examine telomere length (TL) in childhood finds that the initial setting of TL during prenatal development and in the first years of life may determine one's TL throughout childhood and potentially even into adulthood or older age. The study also finds that TL decreases most rapidly from birth to age 3, followed by a period of maintenance into the pre-puberty period, although it was sometimes seen to lengthen.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3wIki55
People are traveling across town to see the rubber duckies being arranged into inspiring messages that are quacking up the neighborhood. Jim Preston came up with the unique way to make people smile during lockdown from his 14th Ave. home in Menlo Park, California. He gets up at the quack of dawn (presumably) and uses […]
You might be older - or younger - than you think. A new study found that differences between a person's age in years and his or her biological age, as predicted by an artificial intelligence (AI)-enabled EKG, can provide measurable insights into health and longevity.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3oHFAgn
Our partner Rob Brezsny provides his weekly wisdom to enlighten our thinking and motivate our mood. Rob’s Free Will Astrology, is a syndicated weekly column appearing in over a hundred publications. He is also the author of Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How All of Creation Is Conspiring To Shower You with Blessings. (A free […]
Though obesity in midlife is linked to an increased risk for Alzheimer's disease, new research suggests that a high body mass index later in life doesn't necessarily translate to greater chances of developing the brain disease.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/2RBnKzo
Scientists have revealed a layer of genetic material involved in controlling the production of tau; a protein which plays a critical role in serious degenerative conditions, such as Parkinson's and Alzheimer's disease.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3hE6MLr
“When one door closes,” the saying goes, “another door opens.” For one very special pooch, it appears that adage also applies to doggie-doors. A Labrador-retriever mix named Sheldon was enrolled in a program to become a service dog, training at Paws With A Cause in Wayland, Michigan, but he couldn’t make the grade. Whenever he’d […]
A Virginia cop has been praised as a hero after a video was released showing him single-handedly pull a crashed car off a woman who was pinned to the ground—and this isn’t even the first time he’s been praised for his bravery. “The driver was laying underneath the vehicle with her head pinned by the […]
If you found out someone you loved only had months to live, you’d likely move heaven and earth to be with them. Unfortunately, in the complex era of coronavirus, heaven and earth are all too often mired in a sea of red tape. Bus driver Aaron Wylie lives in Halifax, Nova Scotia. His mom, Sandra, […]
Delaware State University officials are canceling up to $730,655 in student debt for recently graduated students who have faced financial hardship during the pandemic. Antonio Boyle, Vice President for Strategic Enrollment Management, estimated that the average eligible student will qualify for about $3,276 in debt relief—or roughly a third of a year’s tuition. This will […]
You can put your money where your mouth is, or you can put your money where your heart is, and for one bank headquartered in upstate New York, that philosophy is paying huge dividends for its community. Ulster Savings Bank (USB) has been a fixture in the Hudson Valley since 1851. To commemorate their 170th […]
The development of dementia late in life is associated with abnormal blood levels of dozens of proteins up to five years earlier, according to a new study. Most of these proteins were not known to be linked to dementia before, suggesting new targets for prevention therapies.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3uY8BGG
Using an epigenetic clock, the researchers looked at the genes of 45 of those who were ELBW babies along with 47 who were normal birth weight when they were age 30 to 35 to compare their biological age, controlling for chronic health problems and sensory impairments.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3u1bPYY
Heroic deeds come in all shapes and sizes. Some of them require bravery in the face of danger, others result from a simple random act of compassion. Natalie Fernando was taking her 5-year-old autistic son Rudy (affectionately known as “Roo”) for a seaside walk when the little boy spiraled into a meltdown. “My son loves […]
While it has been said that the eyes are a window to the soul, a new study shows they could be a means for understanding diseases of the brain. According to new research, retinal scans can detect key changes in blood vessels that may provide an early sign of Alzheimer's, while offering important insights into how one of the most common Alzheimer's risk genes contributes to the disease.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/33L7WML
Our partner Rob Brezsny provides his weekly wisdom to enlighten our thinking and motivate our mood. Rob’s Free Will Astrology, is a syndicated weekly column appearing in over a hundred publications. He is also the author of Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How All of Creation Is Conspiring To Shower You with Blessings. (A free […]
A kid recently wrote to Old Navy asking them to put pockets on girls’ jeans, and her powers of persuasion seem to have done the trick. Kamryn Gardner from Arkansas wrote to her favorite clothing brand because she was learning to write persuasive letters in first grade. She said that real pockets should be on […]
It’s hard to imagine while standing at the altar—watching your beautiful bride walk down the aisle—that one day, instead of a queen, there’ll be a witch in her place. What can possibly happen that turns your queen into a witch? Love into resentment? And makes you to say “I hate my wife?”
Resenting and hating your wife doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process spanning months and years.
If you are the “hated” spouse, what might you notice to let you know that something is amiss? Well, you might notice your spouse being less talkative, less playful, less affectionate, etc. Something just won’t feel right. Those ill at ease feelings can be subtle signs of resentment weaving its way through the fabric of your marriage.
There are a host of reasons why this can happen. In this article, I will enumerate a few of the common behaviors that can cause you to hate your wife and cause hatred to sprout in a relationship.
1. Contributing More Than Your Wife
I currently have a client who claims to hate his wife. “Mike” believes she is lazy—that she doesn’t lift a finger to help with the household or their two young children. No matter how many times he asks her to help out, she refuses, saying, “I’m busy and besides, it’s not that bad!” He started to hate his wife, and the resentment he feels is so deep that he is thinking of divorcing her.
In relationships, it’s important to have balance. Both partners need to talk to each other, discuss how to manage the house, the bills, the children, etc., preferably before the marriage takes place so that there aren’t any surprises. All the responsibility cannot fall on one partner. In the case above, Mike bears the burden of keeping his home clean and organized. And because it feels like too much after a long day at work, he lets it go. Then, the house looks even worse, and his resentment grows stronger.
Talk to your wife. Address the problem. There could be other reasons for the “laziness.”
For example, in the article What Should You Do if Your Wife Lazy, Sylvia Smith states,[1]
“There is always a reason why someone is not being productive. Your wife may be going through something that she is not willing to talk about. Initiate the conversation and openly discuss the matter. Tell her what you think about her attitude and ask her about her possible problems.”
2. Being Treated Like a Child
I’ve heard multiple women say, “Seriously, it’s like I have three kids!” The third one to whom they are referring is their husband. Imagine being thought of as the third child.
In the article, Why Treating Your Partner Like a Child Can Destroy Your Relationship, Sheri Stritof said,[2]
“Putting yourself in the role of ‘parent’ and your partner in the role of ‘child’ is demeaning and can actually be counterproductive. Your partner might come to resent you for taking on a controlling role in your relationship. This can cause serious damage to your marriage.”
I’ve talked to many spouses who feel emasculated because their wives treat them like children—talk to them like they’re incapable and inadequate. This does not create warm and fuzzy feelings in any man. In fact, it creates the opposite.
Ladies, the man to whom you are married may have faults, but he is still a man. There are ways to discuss things without being condescending or treating your spouse like a 5-year-old. Continuing in that manner will only cause your husband’s behavior to worsen and a huge chasm to develop in the marriage.
3. Their Spouses Are Overspenders
Another critical issue that causes a husband to hate his wife is when he tries to save money for a rainy day, and his wife spends it faster than he can bring home the paycheck. Many relationships have broken up over money.
Imagine saving money to hire a painter to repair wood damage or to purchase a new work computer, only to find out that the money has already been spent. What husband wouldn’t feel resentful?
So, what can you do? Well, according to Casey Slide,[3]
“If you were able to get your spouse to see the error of his or her ways, that was at least half of the battle. Now, you need to help control the spending. One way to do this is by allowing the both of you to only spend a certain amount of money each pay period. I recommend using the envelope budgeting system because it utilizes cash to hold you accountable to staying on budget. Once you have spent your cash, you are out of money.”
Money issues and their management are an imperative topic for discussion. Both partners need to be on the same page here.
4. Sex! What Sex?
When first dating, women may start out being sexy and amorous. She fills her man’s needs and acts like she enjoys it, but somewhere along the way—after 2 children, a full workload, and Pilates—there is no energy left for sex.
According to the article Sexual Rejection’s Effect On A Marriage,[4]
“I know you don’t want your spouse to feel ‘unloved and unwanted,’ but I’m here to tell you that if you are consistently rejecting him/her for sex, those are things your spouse almost certainly feels. And, unfortunately, that is how sexual refusal and sexual rejection affect a marriage. It’s very bad and will most likely create distance and resentment over time.”
Lack of sex causes a husband to hate his wife, especially for men with a normal sexual appetite. After all, they were used to having sex regularly, and now they feel they have to beg for it—and don’t even get it.
Sex is part of what creates intimacy in a marriage. If all the energy is spent elsewhere, it will leave the door open for an affair. For men, sex is a way to emotionally connect with their partners. It’s their way of creating a loving bond. If his wife refuses him sex, he feels rejected—like he’s not man enough. He may lose confidence in his abilities and could leave an opening for a husband to hate his wife.
5. Dirty Fighters
Couples argue. It’s part of all relationships. After all, you’re dealing with two separate entities with different backgrounds and perspectives. But there’s a way to fight that can end in resolution instead of hurt feelings.
Issues of concern need to be addressed, but it’s how they’re addressed that makes a difference. One thing I’ve heard repeatedly that creates a downward spiral during an argument is character assassination.
For instance, a sock is left on the floor, and the following attack is launched: “You’re a slacker, a filthy slob!” Or your husband is relaxing after work and you say, “You are a lazy SOB couch potato!” And on and on. You can be upset with messy behavior, but there is no need to get into name-calling.
That’s dirty fighting! It is possible to fight and do it fairly. Also, avoid using words like, “you always . . .,” “you never . . .” Absolutes are rarely ever the case, anyway.
You’re there to solve a problem, not to try, convict, and sentence your husband.
6. Talking to Friends and Family Behind Your Back
In marriages, disagreements ensue, and fights happen. One thing that can cause a husband to hate his wife and feel betrayed is when the wife turns around and airs all the dirty laundry to her family and friends. When this happens, the husband feels betrayed, like he can’t trust his wife to not divulge the goings-on of their marriage. He knows that at the next dinner with the in-laws, they’re going to be looking at him with blame and animosity.
I’ve seen it time and time again. Husband and wife have a doozy of a fight. She tells everyone how bad hubby is. Then, they make up. Unfortunately, her friends and family continue to see him as the monster she painted.
It’s important to keep your life private. Your spouse doesn’t want to feel like everything he does is under a microscope for everyone to judge and criticize.
“Consider the consequences of sharing sensitive information with your friends and family without your partner’s consent,” says Kelsey Borresen.[5]
Be careful what you say. If you don’t have to say anything, then don’t.
7. Not Being Appreciated Enough
A husband may start to hate his wife because he feels unappreciated. They work long hours, fix things around the house, and even make dinner some nights. But still, their wives nag at them, pushing them to do more and more, not appreciating what they already do.
In his article, What to Do When My Spouse Feels Unappreciated, Chris Ownby says,[6]
“It’s been shown that being actively grateful (that is, actively showing your appreciation) is linked to higher levels of joy, optimism, and other positive emotions, and feeling less lonely. Feeling valued and appreciated by your spouse has been found to be a major indicator (the number one indicator in one study) of a happy, healthy marriage.”
Nurture your marriage. Compliment all the little things that your husband does. Do things for him.
Men often feel that fixing things around the house is a sign of love. His wife, however, may not see it that way. She may instead, be expecting diamonds, flowers, or chocolate-covered strawberries! Love is demonstrated in many different ways.
Learn each other’s love language and learn to appreciate the little things your husband does for you!
8. Withholding Sex as Punishment!
Getting upset with your honey is a normal thing. Arguments happen in every relationship. But is punishing your husband the best way to fix things? No, it isn’t. More often than not, the punishment is withholding sex! The relationship is not going to get better by exacting punitive behavior. Things can usually be ironed out, but never by using cruel means as punishment.
“Attempting to use sex as a weapon in relationships is always a bad idea. The drawbacks are plentiful; it drives your partner away, creates fights, causes tension, takes the fun out of a relationship, and you literally stop being attentive to each other’s needs,” states Corrine Barraclough.[7]
If you want to make things better, talk about the real problem. It’s not always what you think it is. Seek marriage counseling, if necessary. It will go a long way to helping you sort things out.
9. Spending Too Much Time on the Phone/Posting Private Information
In today’s world, owning a smartphone and being constantly on social media can, in essence, be like having a lover—the thing that drives couples apart.
I worked with a man whose wife was always on social media. She would spend hours on her phone, talk about all her “friends;” refer to things they’d said like they were gospel, etc. She ignored her husband most of the time, and when he would say something, she would respond, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” She was closed to hearing how he was feeling. Eventually, they broke up.
In her article, My Wife Is Addicted to Her Phone-What to do, Rachael Pace says,[8]
“According to experts, people who value quality time in their relationships can feel rejected or even abandoned if their significant other is always on the phone.”
Not only can being constantly on the phone cause trouble, but it can also further complicate things if private and disparaging information is shared. Talk to your real-life partner. Put the phone away at dinner, and respect each other’s privacy.
10. Trying to Change Your Spouse
Oftentimes, people marry with the mistaken notion that their partner is going to change—they’re going to quit smoking, become organized, and stop eating junk food. And if they don’t stop on their own, you—with your persuasive prowess—will make it happen.
“Putting yourself on a mission to change your spouse is highly disrespectful to them and to your relationship. There are many habits that are healthy to break such as smoking or overeating but trying to change your partner’s personality isn’t one of them,” states Rachael Pace.[9]
You really can’t change anyone, no matter how hard you try. What you see while you’re dating is what you’ll get when you’re married. There may some minor improvements, but they don’t come from being forced.
Talk with each other about things that might be tweaked, but don’t try to transform your spouse into someone they’re not.
11. Making Critical Decisions Without Discussing It First
An acquaintance I knew bought an entire living room set without discussing it with her husband beforehand. The furniture just arrived one day. Because their financial situation was so tenuous, she did not want to say anything to her husband, fearing that he would say no. In fact, he would have said exactly that because buying that furniture was living beyond their means.
You can imagine her husband’s resentment when he got home after a long day, only to find a newly furnished room worth several thousand dollars.
Making such big decisions without your partner’s knowledge isn’t a true partnership.
“Don’t be afraid to communicate honestly with your spouse as you go through the decision-making process together. Not speaking up about your feelings, or not getting actively involved in decision-making, may lead you to resent your spouse for making all the decisions (or for making a major decision that was important to you),” states Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott.[10]
Final Thoughts
Relationships don’t have to sink. Knowledge is power. Having access to this information may prevent animosity from mushrooming in your relationship.
Watch your behavior. Are you doing or saying anything with malfeasance? Are you nagging to get what you want? There are ways to make your relationship stronger instead of weaker.
Talking to each other, for starters—but not at each other, in attack mode. If you both compromise, address each other with love and respect. There’s little chance for a husband to hate his wife and for resentment to seep in.
In the largest study of the associations between smoking and cardiovascular disease on cognitive function, researchers found both impair the ability to learn and memorize; and that the effects of smoking are more pronounced among females, while males are more impaired by cardiovascular disease.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/33IyYo0
They say home is where the heart is, but when the home you’re living in isn’t safe, the heartache can be a real headache. That was the situation for one Nova Scotia family—until neighbors stepped in to turn things around. When Alvero Wiggins was diagnosed with kidney failure it created a domino effect. The rigors […]
The naturalist John Muir once said, in regards to the passage of the law that protected Yosemite Valley, that as a result “every pine tree will be waving his arms for joy.” It’s lovely to think how he’d remark on the news from WWF that the regeneration of natural forests around the world has covered […]
In a new study, researchers investigate tangles in the brain -- pathologies not only characteristic of Alzheimer's but other neurodegenerative conditions as well. The research homes in on a particular protein known as Rbbp7, whose dysregulation appears linked to the eventual formation of tau protein tangles and the rampant cell death associated with Alzheimer's and other neurodegenerative diseases.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3bpM2Dg
What’s the difference between having the dream and living the dream? Hard work and perseverance. Wanda Smith always wanted to be a school teacher but sometimes meeting life’s demanding realities can mean a dream deferred. A mother of three, Smith also cared for her mom. Squarely shouldering her family responsibilities, she took jobs as bus […]
It is projected that up to 152 million people worldwide will be living with Alzheimer's disease (AD) by 2050. To date there are no drugs that have a substantial positive impact on either the prevention or reversal of cognitive decline. A growing body of evidence finds that targeting lifestyle and vascular risk factors have a beneficial effect on overall cognitive performance. A new review examines research that finds spiritual fitness, a new concept in medicine that centers on psychological and spiritual wellbeing, and Kirtan Kriya, a simple 12-minute meditative practice, may reduce multiple risk factors for AD.
from Healthy Aging News -- ScienceDaily https://ift.tt/3y95XQi
Jonathan Bauer is afraid of heights, but that didn’t stop him from leaping off a bridge some 25 to 40 feet to the water below to save a little girl’s life. On May 2, Bauer and his teenage daughter Ava were running errands when they got caught in a serious five-car pileup on the Route […]
Have you observed the behavior of children as they carry out daily tasks? They may naturally be inclined towards playing games with friends but would need a push to do their homework. Children may enjoy eating junk food by themselves but need adult monitoring while reluctantly having vegetables.
As these kids grow up, the behavior remains the same. There are many reasons we do certain things. Sometimes, we’re internally motivated to make something happen, and other times we’re driven externally. Such a dichotomy involves contrasting intrinsic motivation versus extrinsic motivation:[1]
“When intrinsically motivated, people engage in an activity because they find it interesting and inherently satisfying. By contrast, when extrinsically motivated, people engage in an activity to obtain some instrumentally separable consequence, such as the attainment of a reward, the avoidance of punishment, or the achievement of some valued outcome.”
Read on to learn more about intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation and find out how reward-oriented behavior influences our productivity and how we can regulate it!
What Is Intrinsic Motivation?
All the theories that describe what classifies as intrinsic motivation talk about a natural drive from within to pursue an activity because it gives us pleasure.
Some psychology researchers have associated intrinsic behavior with basic human needs, creativity, performance enhancement, and contentment.[2] When we carry out a task that fulfills our natural urges, such as hunger, thirst, and sleep, we are better equipped with the drive to complete a task. Other times, we might simply do something because it stimulates the aesthetic experience of being in that state of activity, such as hobbies.
Simply put, activities that bring us satisfaction and joy are powered by intrinsic motivation because an internal reward system fuels them.
Examples of Intrinsic Motivation
Studying because you enjoy the process of gaining knowledge and not simply because you want good grades
Helping out a friend/family member with something out of love without expecting anything in return from them
Standing in the kitchen for hours to prepare your favorite meal because the end product satiates your hunger and gives you joy
Pursuing a hobby, such as gardening, trekking, camping, and playing sports, among others, to experience an aesthetic pleasure
Running a marathon to feel physically rejuvenated instead of seeking the prize money
Taking up extra responsibility at work/school to improve your skills without the intention of gaining recognition or earning someone’s favor
What Is Extrinsic Motivation?
When we are not inherently motivated to perform a task because it does not bring about a sense of satisfaction, we are extrinsically motivated. Such motivation facilitates our desire to attain a reward or avoid punishment.
Not all the work we do brings us joy, owing to its repetitive nature, urgency, necessity, frequency, duration, or monotony. Whether it is dragging ourselves to work/school every morning or working on weekends, we tend to undertake tasks that might not inherently please or satisfy us. Usually, an external force or ulterior motive drives us to complete such tasks. Rewards like money, praise, and fame drive our motivation extrinsically.
However, extrinsic motivation does not necessarily mean that we are unwilling to do something. We just seek an external reward from it. For example, a person might like writing but goes the extra mile to make money out of it.
Point to be noted: Offering external rewards for something that already rewards inherently can decrease motivation, known as the overjustification effect.[3]
Examples of Extrinsic Motivation
Working a part-time job to make extra money while still being a student
Participating in competitions to win prizes and earn fame
Attending classes regularly not because the lecture is exciting but to maintain the attendance record
Going to the office on lazy days to avoid pay-cut
Completing a task well before time to earn praise and recognition
Doing something you don’t like just to avoid public judgment
Doing chores to flatter parents before requesting something from them
The 3 Regulators of Productivity
As social beings, we interact with our surroundings to tend to our satisfaction and gain. Despite being interlinked with various social factors, we still act independently as individually identifiable beings with preferences and opinions.
Daniel H. Pink, in his book Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, talks about the evolving state of the digital economy and leaders can adopt more effective methods of motivation. He proposes three principles of increasing productivity: autonomy, mastery (alternatively, competence), and purpose. Detaching his propositions from the workplace context to universalize it, I shall discuss the impact of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation on these three principles.
Autonomy refers to the amount of creativity and control we hold over individual expression without any external influence. It determines our independence in making choices and deciding the course of future actions.
Mastery or competence is our capacity to execute a task to the best of our ability without any external help. Our competency level governs how well we can perform when tasked with something.
Purpose alludes to the yearning within individuals to contribute to humankind’s more meaningful existence beyond the self.
Productivity is a cumulative result of the above three that motivation regulates. In the following section, we shall explore the differing impacts of the two kinds of motivation on individual performance: intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic vs Extrinsic Motivation: Is There a Third Option?
In a psychological study, Richard M. Ryan and Edward L. Deci found out that “conditions supportive of autonomy and competence reliably facilitated this vital expression of the human growth tendency, whereas conditions that controlled behavior and hindered perceived reflectance undermined its expression.”[4]
In other words, whether a task is intrinsically or extrinsically motivated, it should not negatively impact our natural abilities.
They also concluded that “Excessive control, nonoptimal challenges, and lack of connectedness…disrupt the inherent actualizing and organizational tendencies endowed by nature, and thus such factors result not only in the lack of initiative and responsibility but also in distress.” Simply put, unachievable challenges and emotional detachment can diminish individuals’ natural abilities and negatively impact performance.
Hence, it is safe to conclude that positive motivation is the key to performance enhancement without mentally, physically, or emotionally tiring out an individual. Whether it is at school, work, or social circles, superiors must ensure that an assigned task must be positively motivated in a way that warrants commitment, interest, and productivity. Hence, the type of motivation is not significant to performance as long as it does not hinder the three principles of productivity.
How Can You Positively Motivate Others?
Provide regular feedback: Individuals putting in efforts to make something happen, like hearing about their strengths and weaknesses. But before doing that, you must establish feedback-giving as a positive and encouraging process towards development within the social setup!
Set attainable goals: Asking too much from people negatively impacts performance as it does not respect their abilities. It can also be severely discouraging as it prevents individuals from giving their best, thinking that it is unattainable.
Challenge them by gradually increasing the level: Once you have gauged a person’s skill level, you can slowly give them more significant tasks to expand their abilities.
Inspire them: Setting an example is the best way to motivate others. You could perform your best to let people know what you expect from them.
Establish a trust relationship: Trust is the key to maintaining any human relationship, whether personal or professional. Ensuring the existence of this emotion comforts and inspires them to do better.
Maintain a healthy reward system: Humans cannot resist rewards, whether intrinsic or extrinsic. Maintaining a healthy reward system can propel others to work harder and productively.
Seek feedback from them: Finally, seeking feedback is just as important as giving it. Don’t forget to ask people’s opinions on the changes you can make to your approach!
Final Thoughts
Looking at your life with a bird’s eye view isn’t always easy. You sometimes need external motivators who see your potential and help you pave a path to success. But even when you have external motivators backing you up, paying close attention to your internal dialogue will help you cross the roadblocks.
And do not forget, motivation isn’t the goal in itself—it’s the pathway to a long journey where you achieve more milestones, and looking at the bird’s eye view of your life becomes easier. Have a happy journey!
The potential for tapping into humanity’s CO2 emissions as a cheap and free source of carbon and oxygen is on full display with Air Company, a startup that produces premium vodka from deposited atmospheric carbon. Air Company converts CO2 into ethanol in the same way that plants use photosynthesis. The ethanol, which was originally intended […]
A Scottish dollhouse enthusiast creates tiny dishes—including takeout and sushi—which are sold to collectors as far away as America. 41-year-old Roz MacLean started selling tiny meals no bigger than a large coin in November 2019, after she made one for her mom’s dollhouse. Her designs have included everything from fish and chips to full roast […]
Tanitoluwa Adewumi—more commonly known by his nickname “Tani”—may only be 10 years old, but he’s become an official Chess National Master, with a rating of 2223. The 28th-youngest person ever to achieve such a title in a States, Tani was only introduced to the game of chess a few years ago, while living with his […]
A week after Frank O’Donnell laid his 15-year-old daughter Keri to rest, he got a backyard visit from a monarch butterfly. Its bright orange and black wings, Keri’s favorite colors, brought him an unexpected ray of solace in a dark time. Whether or not the butterfly was a cosmic messenger, O’Donnell took it as a […]
It was just after 5 AM as I gathered my things to head to the gym. As I walked down the hall, I noticed the light on in my daughter Kinsey’s bedroom. She isn’t typically up that early, so I decided to peek inside to see what was going on.
As I opened the door, I saw her sitting in bed with her laptop open and a perplexed look on her face.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m doing some last-minute studying before I take my pharmacology exam.”
“Why are you doing it so early?” I questioned.
“I need to get it done before I go to work because I have a full day, and I won’t want to do it later.”
Kinsey is a great student, and she works full-time and goes to school, so I didn’t want to question her actions. Still, as she responded, it hit me. This was one way she kept her motivation to study when she was too busy with work.
I didn’t want to disturb her further, so I slowly closed the door and went on my way, pondering the question on my own, “how does one maintain their motivation to study when they are too busy with work?”
Motivation is an interesting topic that psychologists, sociologists, and scientists of all types have studied for decades. Countless books and articles have been written on the subject and continue to pop up each year. But what motivates us in certain situations? How can we stay motivated when we have so many other things on our minds like work?
To answer these questions, we first need to understand motivation itself. More specifically, the two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic.
Intrinsic motivation is an incentive to engage in a specific activity that derives from pleasure in the activity itself rather than because of any external benefits that might be obtained.[1] It sounds like, “I’m going to work hard to get that promotion so I can be more fulfilled at work.”
On the other hand, extrinsic motivation is an external incentive to engage in a specific activity, especially motivation arising from the expectation of punishment or reward.[2] It sounds like, “I really want that promotion at work to make more money.”
How we are motivated really comes down to whether the motivation is coming from within us or outside us. We all tend to gravitate toward one more than the other, but this can depend on a specific situation.
Let’s look at the facts from the specific situation in my example and break them down to understand them further.
Kinsey works and goes to school like a lot of college students.
Kinsey was taking her exam very early in the morning before her usual wake-up time.
She was doing the exam before going to work.
She had a busy day of work ahead.
She acknowledged that she would not want to do it later.
All of the facts above point to a motivated individual. What they don’t tell us specifically is, was she motivated intrinsically or extrinsically? I would lean towards intrinsic as there doesn’t seem to be any obvious reward.
This example provides some less apparent clues to ways that can help others like you. I’ve compiled the secrets inspired by these clues, along with some additional wisdom I’ve learned along the way to help you in maintaining your motivation to study.
Here are 11 tips on how to motivate yourself to study even when you’re too busy with work.
1. Have a Great mindset
It all starts here, and a positive mindset can go a long way. Believe that you will achieve your goals, and focus on the good things that you have already done. Studies show that being optimistic leads to getting more done and having better overall mental and physical well-being.[3]
2. Visualize Success
Once your mindset is in order, then the next step is to visualize your success. Begin with a clear vision of what you want to achieve and then experience the feeling of having that success. For example, if you know you want to get an A on an exam, break down the steps to learning the material to ensure success.
3. Break Your Goals Into Small Attainable Tasks
Sometimes, a goal can feel too big, like graduating college with straight A’s. Think of the goals you have and break them down into simple, attainable steps instead.
For example, if you know you want to get an A on an exam, start with gathering the right resources to study, and then go further to identify what you need from each resource. Once you drill down far enough, everything becomes attainable.
4. Reward yourself
Rewards help keep you motivated as long as they are healthy. Once you’ve set a goal, establish a small reward for achieving it. Whether it’s an edible treat you love or something bigger like a massage, this type of external motivator can help maintain your motivation and push you closer to your bigger goals.
5. Pomodoro for the Win
The Pomodoro Technique is a time management system that encourages you to work with the time you have, rather than against it. Break the time you have to study into 25-minute chunks separated by 5-minute breaks. Each interval or Pomodoro helps you resist interruptions and trains your brain to focus. You’ll find that the sense of urgency it creates is a fantastic motivator.
6. Measure Progress
Once you start to accomplish goals and have successful Pomodoro’s, you need to measure it all. If you do not measure and report your progress, then you’re probably not making much progress at all. According to Pearson’s Law, when performance is measured, it improves; when performance is measured and reported, it improves exponentially.
7. Make It a Competition
Healthy competition is advantageous to keep you moving, and it’s great for building your motivation to study. You can positively compete with others to push each other to succeed. If you don’t have anyone else, then set up a competition with yourself.
For example, see how many Pomodoro’s you can do without breaking focus and looking at your phone. Keep pushing the bar higher, and you will strive to reach it.
8. Find a Mentor
Another way for you to build and maintain your motivation to study is to find a mentor. Having a mentor is a great way to motivate and connect with someone you admire or someone in the field that you are studying. Having a mentor provides a double benefit in that they can provide both assistance and encouragement to you on your road to success.
9. Get an Accountability Buddy
While this is occasionally the role of a mentor, you can also find another person studying the same thing as you as your accountability buddy or partner. With both of you focused on the same outcome, you can share ideas that you may not have thought of and understand the point of view of your friend.
Studies show that publicly committing your goals to someone gives you at least a 65% chance of completing them. Having a specific accountability partner increases your chance of success to 95%.[4]
10. Find “Your” Time
There’s a funny line from an old movie, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, where a student is disrupting class, and the teacher tells him to stop interrupting the class and do what he’s doing on his own time. The student responds, “I’m here, you’re here, doesn’t that make it our time?”
Whether you are studying with a group or solo, you still need to find the time that works best for your needs and your brain. For some, this is first thing in the morning, but for others, it’s after work when they have decompressed. By measuring your success and the efficiency of your Pomodoro’s, you can identify the optimal time for you.
11. Move
Taking the time to move is critical toward moving towards your goals. It doesn’t matter if you study at a desk, in bed, or on the floor, you still need to move. Take short five-minute breaks after each successful Pomodoro to stand up, stretch, and move your legs around. This increased blood flow will help keep you awake and get oxygen to your brain.
After you’ve completed four consecutive sessions, then it’s time for a more extended 15 to 20-minute break. This break is the optimal time to get some fresh air and brief exercise outside. This short amount of time will make a significant difference in your level of motivation.
Final Thoughts
Any of the above tips on their own can help with building and maintaining motivation when put into action. Find the ones that work for you and make them a habit. Once this is done, you won’t need the level of external motivation as you will be programmed internally for success.
I want to think that I’ve raised Kinsey with some good internal programming and her grades indicate that as well. When she got home from work around 7 PM, she came into my office and asked if she could use it for a while.
I said, “Sure, what do you need to do?”
“Take my pharmacology exam.”
“I thought you took it this morning.”
“I was going to, but the opening time was wrong on the exam, so it didn’t open until noon today instead of midnight.”
“Oh, I get it now. Sure, let me get out, so you have peace and quiet.”
I closed the door and left her in the serenity of my cave, knowing she would get a good grade on her exam. I ended up being right about the grade but not about the source of her motivation to study that morning.
When she emerged from the office about 30 minutes later, she quickly turned on the TV. It all came down to the fact that she didn’t want to miss the season finale of The Batchelor. I guess it was more extrinsic than I thought.
